The one where I cry in a treehouse

Oct 27, 2023

Free Me From My Mind

Healing, spiritual awakening, and new music  

“When we’re experiencing anxiety or depression, it’s because we’ve handed the car keys over to our
mind, and removed the heart from the driver's seat.” 

A couple of months ago I was going through a pretty dark spell where I was getting hit with anxiety and panic attacks almost daily. As somebody who is pretty upbeat and optimistic about life (and considers herself a “master manifester”), this was an especially hard time for me.   (Don’t worry, I’m doing much better as I write this now) 

On one hand, I understand that thoughts shape our reality, and I'm the architect of my own experience. I believe wholeheartedly that the universe is a projection of our minds. I know this to be true, because I have literally changed my life by simply changing the way I think.

On another hand, I know that the stuff that was coming up was stuff that wanted to be
seen and healed - not repressed! 

Oftentimes when people step into a spiritual practice they begin “spiritual bypassing”, which is using spirituality and positivity to suppress emotions and avoid dealing with their issues… 

…which is kinda like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. 

And I know this because I did it for years!

I used to think, “Oh I can’t think a bad thought now, or have a bad day, because then I’ll attract bad things, afterall, I’m
spiritual now!” 

But this was a very narrow and inaccurate view of how the Law of Attraction works #spiritualrookiemistake  

Spirit will never ask you to be avoidant, or be in denial of your feelings.  

Where we have free will and choice is how we choose to
perceive things, but we don't get to avoid pain all of a sudden just because we’re on a spiritual path. 

In fact, sometime’s the breakthrough is on the other side of the breakdown.

So the delicate dance I’m navigating right now is learning how to heal and feel the things that need to be dealt with - the trauma, the pain, the shame, the patterns, and alllll of the shadows that are coming up to rear their scary heads during this awakening - but doing it consciously, knowing that I’m going deep into the dark to shine light on these babies and transmute them - not to roll around in a pity party.


I gotta say, it’s definitely an interesting journey, this “healing” chapter of life, especially now that I’m nearly 5 years sober.  I mean, I actually feel things now that I’m not numbing myself. 

Something that’s been helping me through this process is really
watching the labels and identification I give to these feelings. 👀 

For example, I no longer use the expression “I am depressed” because words are very powerful, and I don’t want to give that kind of  power to a state or emotion that I am the experiencer of.

So I now can say,
I’m experiencing depression, and acknowledge that it’s hard, and that I’m having a bad day, but that I will get through it, and if I’m willing to stay conscious throughout the process, I can find the lesson and the gold in the pain.  

I believe the quality of your life is determined by the quality of your questions, so instead of asking “why is this happening to me?!” I ask “what is Spirit trying to teach me right now? 

What can I learn from this? 

What is seeking to be transmuted here?”


How Music is Helping Me Heal

I mentioned in a previous blog that I’m a pro musician, and I do “work for hire” stuff for clients all the time, but hadn’t really felt safe enough to express myself through my art,
until now.

Recently I asked Spirit to help me through my healing process via music. Afterall, I already have all these skills of being able to write and produce, why not put them to use?!

Well, as the saying goes, ask and ye shall receive.  

 almost instantly started receiving songs as almost complete downloads over the last several months as I’ve been navigating a beautiful, albeit messy, spiritual awakening.

Now, I know most artists use music to express themselves and heal, but for me this is brand new. I used to shudder at being “vulnerable” and expressing myself so openly, but recently it’s like all I want to do is just
tell the truth.

So, I want to share a new song with you, but before we dive in, I want to tell you the quick back story.


Crying in a Treehouse

A few months back, while going through the dark spell I mentioned above, I was experiencing really bad anxiety one day, and decided to take myself to a cafe on Topanga that’s literally in a Treehouse.


It’s one of my favorite places to eat these days as I all of a sudden seem to be called to trees (another interesting side effect of this awakening. Am I really turning into an outdoor cat?) 

As the host sat me at my table, cortisol rushed through my veins, and tears welled up in my eyes.

Why do I feel so much fear right now?

What is wrong with me? 

I ordered a Moroccan mocha and avocado toast (classic Californian, right?) and tried to lose myself in the book "The Power of Now" as I ate my meal, but I chuckled at the irony—
reading about being present while eating avocado toast in a gorgeous tree house and sipping on cacao.  Seriously?!

I put the book away and finished my meal, then asked for the check.

I continued to ruminate as my mind was throwing me all sorts of curve balls from the inner critic, and more tears welled up in my eyes. 

Once I signed the bill, the waitress leaned over and said, “you know..if you go around to the back of the restaurant, there’s no one there right now, and you can get a gorgeous view of the trees” and smiled softly, as though she intuitively knew to share that information with me.

I thanked her and started to pack up my bag and head over to the trees.

On my way, I heard a voice in my head. My mind spoke…

I know what’s happening.  You’re suffering because you’re going through an ego death, yeah, that’s it!  I’ve heard of this before. It’s when the ego is being dismantled through the process of spiritual awakening / dark night of the soul, and it goes down kicking and screaming, making you think you’re going insane … you should google this. Better yet, youtube it and find a video!

I was pleased with my new “shiny” ball that would pull me out of having to feel this negative emotion any longer.

But then I heard another voice, and this time it wasn’t my mind. (this happens a lot these days) 

And that voice softly said:

Or, you could just feel what you’re feeling… and not try to distract yourself, or avoid it. 

Now, when Spirit gives me messages like this, I know it’s not me. Because oftentimes, it’s the thing I don’t want to hear, and I don’t want to do.

But I knew this still quiet voice was right.  It was my intuition. It was Source. And it was begging me to just let go.

So I sat at the table in the trees, all alone, and started to weep. 

And then it turned into a full blown release and ugly cry, and I could feel the healing energy of the trees just holding space for me, and allowing me to fall apart. 

Then, all of a sudden, I heard a melody, and a lyric, and this song came through.

I quietly sang into the voice memo app on my phone, saving several messy takes until I “caught” the song that was coming through.

By the time I finished writing, I felt like I had dropped out of my head and into my heart, and all of a sudden, my anxiety was gone.

I sat there reveling in the transmutation that has just occurred.

I had healed myself in that very moment by simply expressing my truth.

this is what it means to be an artist.

Damn. 😮‍💨

Here’s the video I shot today of the song where it’s at.

Here’s the
VERY rough work tape I quietly sang into my phone, (please bear with the quality, I was singing through tears and trying to not be heard by people in the restaurant.)

And the original lyric sheet, (which I’ve updated as I’ve refined the song).

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and to listen to the very early stages of my first artist project. It means the world to me to share my soul with you. 💛

Btw, I’m going to start documenting more of my artist journey on Substack.

Here I'll be uploading all the ROUGH worktapes, demos, lyrics, stories, and more! 

You can follow along here if you’d like :) 

Till next time ✨